Unique DIY Father’s Day Gifts

You have one week left to go buy your dad a shitty card and a tie he doesn’t need.  OR.  Be trendy.  Make something yourself.  DIY is uber-hip these days and you know how Dad likes to keep with the times.  Plus, you know, something about love in every stitch or some shit.

-If your old man is balding, knit a hat he can wear with yarn made from your hair.  Preferably hair from your head, but feel free to make this project your own.

-Be creatively cliche.  Because it’s somehow not cliche any more if you put some kind of clever spin on it.  Like, give him a tie…that looks like a noose!  FUNNY RIGHT?!  He will love it.

-Give him a mani/pedi.  A, being metrosexual is totally hip.  B, if you do it yourself, the only cost is touching (and smelling) his gnarly old-man feet.

-Ask him what he wants – but then MAKE IT YOURSELF.  Example: he wants an iPad.  So you find some driftwood and paint apps on it.  Super cute, cheap, and approximately as useful as the real thing!

-Call him instead of just texting him.  BAM!  Soooo 20th century.  Don’t worry, retro is always in.

What I Am Doing With My Parents’ Money While I Am Unemployed

-Buying kittens from shelters and giving them to homeless people.  I think this is great because it saves the kittens and offers a good friend (or meal) to someone in need.

-Hiring my roommates to clean the apartment.  Asking them doesn’t work, and also I’ve never tried it, so instead I just pay them $25/hour each to clean up.  I definitely have the time, supplies, and skills to do it myself, but it’s just so much easier to waste my parents’ hard-earned money.

-Buying illegal drugs.  I am always so “coked up” or “high” or whatever the slang term is for using drugs all the time, which I totally know because I buy so many drugs.  Mm, gotta love that lysergic acid diethylamide.  I especially love the way that drugs make me totally incoherent, irritable, and physically ill.  It’s even better when they ruin my career, relationships, and criminal record.

-Hiring the Mexicans on the corner to paint my nails.  They do it better, and cheaper.

-Buying everything I find on The Worst Things for Sale to see if it’s really the worst.  I highly recommend this site if you like things that are really terrible, especially if you like having a closet stuffed full of really creepy sex toys and drawers full of unnecessary and/or completely ineffective tools.

-Going to job interviews and pranking the person conducting it.  Whoopee cushions, squirt guns, and fake hands that fall off when you shake them are some of my favorites.  I think it demonstrates how fun I am to work with.  Also it makes for great YouTube videos.

-Buying every offer I get in iOS games to get free extra lives and hints and levels.  I paid $40 in Temple Run to get 400,000 coins and 500 gems, just because it was a good deal, even though I already had over 500k coins and almost 600 gems.  But NOW I have a million coins and a thousand gems, which is so much better!  My quality of life has improved drastically.

-Writing absolutely sincere and honest blog posts about my life which are totally true and not completely and obviously sarcastic.

Pros and Cons of Texas

The post-graduation job hunt started last week, on its own accord. A couple of job opportunities called and emailed me like, “Hey, we know you’re still barely capable of remembering to pack your own lunch, but we want you to consider applying for this job we probably won’t give you!” And I mean, who turns down an offer like that?!

The only trouble with these opportunities is that they’re in Texas. Here are some pros and cons of applying for jobs in Texas:

Pros:
-I am also in Texas. (MIND. BLOWN. Amirite???)
-I have “connections” here. That is to say, I have professors notifying me and hundreds of other UNT seniors and grads of a few limited opportunities. Which is still more than I can say about The Greater Chicago Area.
-Gas is cheaper in Texas. Also, so is everything else. (Wink, wink! You know what I’m sayin! …Cost of living, baby!)
-The blog title “Waiting for Chicago” would make sense for longer, which is cool except for the yearning sense of homesickness as the backdrop of my everyday life.
-I’m pretty sure Jesus lives in Texas.

Cons:
-Texas. I mean, this is obvious.
-I anticipate 80% of the things I love to be in or near Illinois. That is, my family, my Tom, and some dogs. (The other 20% consists of Texas weather, the fact that I would have a job, and some friends nearby. But mostly the weather. Pfft, friends.)
-Republicans left, Republicans right! Republicans burning crosses all night! (Get it? It was a KKK joke. Totally distasteful and completely exaggerated. They have to sleep some time.)
-The longer I spend around twangy accents, the more twang I unintentionally acquire. Which ultimately means that the longer it takes me to get back north, the more foolish I’ll look when I get there. Just, please, whatever happens to me, nobody let me buy a cowboy hat.