I am super pro at being that quiet kid you’ve known for the past four years but never knew if you should try to talk to, because you could never tell if I’m some insane serial killer thirsty for your blood, or worse, some holier-than-thou asshole going to try to evangelize the sex drive out of you. (That’s what evangelicals do, right, tell you to stop listening to your privates and start listening to Jesus? PS Jesus if you are reading are we still cool? You know I’m just playin, dawg.)
Then sometimes this thing happens to me where people approach me and have conversations with me outside of regular small talk and then they shake their finger at me and go, “Hey, you’re funny. You’re funny.” Which, by the way, I cannot for the life of me come up with anything clever to say to that, and then I’m like, “well fuck, I USED to be, but now you ruined it, you asshole. I had a combo going and everything.”
Anyways since I started blogging that has kind of migrated online to people being like, “wait, if you’re funny on the internet, why are you quiet in the not-internet?” So here is a list of reasons I am quiet irl:
-Because we are in a library.
-Because I hate when you start talking to someone and then you realize they really don’t like you but that’s lame because you kind of thought they were cool but it turns out they are a total douche because honestly anyone who doesn’t like you is absolutely douche material. AND now you have to smile and say hi whenever you see each other around. Stupid douche.
-Because I hate when you start talking to someone and then you realize you really don’t like them and even though they probably know (so they probably think you’re a douche), you still feel obliged to smile and say hi whenever you see them around. Stupid douche.
-Because real life is a real-time strategy game, but the internet is turn-based. Also there is no reloading old saves in real life.
-Because, making friends, like, psh. Who needs those. People. God I hate people. Friends are just the worst, like, calling you and stuff? Hanging out? Lame. I definitely don’t wish I had any more of those. What a nuisance, amirite?
-Because I mildly enjoy people not really knowing anything about me and then one day they hear me swearing up a storm and they just look completely appalled. I think that’s hilarious. Bless their little hearts. Little love hearts. Little joyballs of peace and friendship and clean language.
-Because this part, right now, where I try to end the blog post? On the internet, it’s just like, well fuck it, I’m done here, and then you just quit writing. In real life, it’s like, “See? Funny right? With the jokes, and stuff? Like, I know you’re not laughing, but please acknowledge that you were entertained. Cause I’m so funny. HAHAHA. See? HAHAHA. Just like that. Cool. Yeah, so…yeah.”