This is my dad’s Christmas list so far:
He told me the other day that he needs to get a new hobby so that people will have something to get him for Christmas. I fired off a bunch of ideas (drawing! guitar! robots!) but he shot them all down for being too time-consuming and not completely and utterly boring.
And then he pulled out a textbook from his bookshelf and said, “I’ve been getting really into math lately. This is the book I’ve been working on.”
Let’s pause the story for a moment so we can step back and consider the possible faults with that:
2. What am I supposed to get you for Christmas now? A pencil sharpener?
3. Math. Are you kidding me.
4. You are having fun with a textbook, without drawing on the pictures or cutting up the pages or just straight-up burning it.
5. I can list like ten other things I would rather do. Ready? Cut off my own toes. Eat dog shit. Fall out a third-story window. Fall out a fourth-story window. Wash my hands with acid. Go to work naked. Be arrested for going to work naked. Donate all of my money to a charity that turns out to be funding the latest Romney vacation home. Break my own arm with a sledgehammer and not seek medical treatment. Be lost at sea in the arctic, staying afloat only with the assistance of arm floaties that are uncomfortably small and pinch-y on my skin.
Returning to our tale, I’ve come up with a few ideas for hobbies for him that are (1) not math, (2) actually provide gift ideas, (3) are not ultra-time-consuming, and (4) totally fit the “completely lame” requirement. Without further ado:
-Putting duct tape on stuff. Not as time-consuming or cool as actually making anything out of duct tape, but kind of close and pretty lame.
-Collecting things. Totally pointless, but requires lots of money and makes gifting simple.
-Polishing stuff. The TV screen. Shoes. The counter. You name it, he shines it!
-Having a fish tank, without fish. So he never has to clean it. But we can buy him little treasure chests and sunken ships to put in it, and it will be almost as boring to look at as it would be if he did actually have fish.
-Sitting in a rocking chair. He is a little young for this, but it’s never too soon to start practicing a new life skill. (Except maybe sex.)