I did some research on anger management and made a list of techniques. Instead of yelling at the person closest to you (for example, when you are alone, or when it would make you seem racist to do so), you can:
-Go for a jog. You’ll completely forget what had gotten you all pissed off in the first place when you die of not having exercised at all in the past three years.
-Punch a pillow. It’s just as satisfying as punching a real person except nobody gets hurt, except the pillow, but it’s okay because it doesn’t have a cell phone or fingers so it can’t call the police on you and anyways it can just tell people it fell down the stairs. Acceptable substitutes for pillows: couch cushions, mattresses, margarine.
-Take a time out. Get away from the situation, sit in a corner facing the wall, and stare the anger away.
-Use humor to make the situation silly and diffuse your anger. For example, if someone were to call you a name like “asshole,” imagine what it would be like if you were literally an asshole. Before long you’ll find yourself giggling and not so upset. But if you’re struggling, feel free to engage in spontaneous improv acting and take a shit on their porch.
-Take some deep breaths and imagine somewhere peaceful and serene. I like to think of a big empty beach on a sunny day: the sound of the ocean waves crashing, the breeze on my face, the sand between my toes. The giant translucent crabs slowly advancing toward me. The waves getting too high and crashing over me, sharks all around me, my feet tangled in seaweed so I can’t swim. Barnacles attaching themselves to my body and then fusing into my skin and hacking into my brain, using it to take over the world and destroy Earth. I love this technique because it completely replaces my fury with intense and irrational fear.
-Use “I” statements to avoid placing blame on someone you’re angry with. For example, instead of “You never wash any dishes!” try saying “I wish you wouldn’t be such an ass hat all the time.”
Now that you’re well-armed against the forces of anger, go get mad and take a whack at managing it! These techniques are guaranteed to help. But just in case, if all else fails you can always go break stuff.