Yesterday I was at the pool with a friend of mine (who I’ll call Minnesota here, for privacy’s sake) and there was a guy there with a cowboy hat. Which happens, sometimes (guys wearing cowboy hats, I mean), even when it isn’t Halloween, because in Texas there is an extra commandment that Thou shalt dress like a douche. Which this guy was doing exceptionally, because he was wearing his cowboy hat in the pool.
Before he and his buddies left, he came to ask my friend for her number, under the premise of wanting to play football some time (since he had been tossing one around in the pool). And he introduced himself. As Tex. “Because I’m from Texas,” he explained, in an attempt to blow our apparently very small minds. I should have been all, “Oh neato! You can call me Ill, because I’m from Illinois. Or maybe because you are making me sick. WHAT UP.” But instead I was just kind of like, “….What.” Because tact has always been a strong point of mine.
I should also mention that when he got out of the water he put cowboy boots on. Cowboy boots and swim trunks. I still can’t think of anything clever to say about that because WHY. I guess I am just really glad that he wasn’t wearing a speedo instead.
And THEN to top it all off my friend decided that it would be a clever idea to give this guy someone else’s number, instead of her own. So she gave him her boyfriend’s number. So that this can happen:
Tex: Hello, is Minnesota there?
Boyfriend: I’m sorry, who is this?
Tex: It’s Tex. (Because I’m from Texas.) I was just wondering if Minnesota would join me for some football. Also sex. (ZOMG just noticed that sex totally rhymes with my name! Hold on while I write this down so that I can remember for later.) I am sure she is attracted to me because I am a living, breathing cliche and I can’t imagine that anyone wouldn’t find that super attractive. Even though you’re perfectly aware that she clearly isn’t attracted to men like me because she is with you and you are virtually the opposite of me, I’m totally shaking your confidence right now just because I exist at all and MY NAME IS TEX.
That was yesterday. And then today someone who has definitely never worn a cowboy hat in a pool told Tom that his scruffy too-lazy-to-shave beard is very “neo avant garde.” Because apparently it’s totally hipster to be too lazy for personal hygiene.
I miss Chicago.